You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
