omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
