dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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