i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
