Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
