I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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