i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think I died a long time ago.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just blew my weed a kiss
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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