I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
