we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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