our cab driver is having phone sex.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
