I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
