I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I think my moral compass just broke
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
