i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I AM VODKA MAN
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
