Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
