I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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