i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
