I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Randomize
