He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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