She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
