I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
