there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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