if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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