I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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