Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
