At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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