the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
