so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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