Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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