Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Randomize
