You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
