I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
