sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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