I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
