hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
