Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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