Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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