Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I AM VODKA MAN
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
