My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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