please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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