I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
