I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
