He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
