we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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