so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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