you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
