i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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