i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
