please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
