You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
