How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
