We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Drunk is not a location!
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
