bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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