oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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